Welcome home, Dad!

This is probably the last time I’m updating my blog..
Somebody make noise about me not writing for so long. 6 months to be exact. Well, frankly, I see no point writing especially since there aren’t many people reading. Maybe 3, or 2. I think 1 only. The same old one who faithfully came back to look for stories. Alright, I’ll write one last story for you.
There’s never been a better time to write about this. Today is the 49th day of my beloved dad’s passing.
It has been the most difficult period of my life in this period. I stopped writing around the same time we found that my dad is having cancer. Liver cancer, liver heartened, and a growing tumour all at the same time. He has been complaining that of his frequent toilet trips. He was looking yellowish. He was getting tired easily. But despite all this, he has been refusing visits to the doctor. Until we had to trick him to the A&E.
Doc says its too late. 3-prong attack. Late stage cancer. 3 months. Didn’t even prescribe treatments. Only vitamins. A chemo at Gleneagles made him weaker. Mum making him visit spiritual sessions ignite the fear in him. All these, he kept it to himself cos he doesn’t wanted us to be blame by my ill-tempered mum. But we knew. We secretly brought him to have his favourite Bak Kut Teh somewhere in Woodlands. Mum has been making him eat plain porridge and those tasteless stuff. Mum’s trying to preserve his health. We knew it’s impossible. We just want him to enjoy whatever he wants before he leaves us. Sis returned back from Australia to take care of him. Mum’s still pissed at her for cooking those ‘forbidden food’ for dad.
He stayed in SGH for 2 weeks before coming home. He wasn’t aware of his condition. We cant bear to tell him. A nurse from some welfare group came to make regular checks on him. I hate to see her. Very hate. Everytime she came, she will gave me instructions on what to do when my dad’s conditions deteriorate and passes away. I knew I will lose dad, but I just can’t face the fact.
Nurse came one day when nobody is around. She told dad his condition and ask him to prepare for ‘it’. Dad was shocked. Very emotional. That evening, he instructed sis to call all the siblings back. He broke down. He was hoping to enjoy life after all the kids had grown up. His biggest wish was to see no.5 and me get married. He was worried of his favorite only son, me. Everyone cried.
29th Feb. Friday. 6am. He complained of stomach pain. Apparently, the water in his stomach had built up and couldn’t discharge from his body due to his liver failure. Was sent to SGH in an ambulance. He opted to stay in a C ward as he doesn’t wanted to burden us with the medical bills. C ward was too noisy for him, and after much persuading, switch to a B2 ward. Blk 4, level 8. Ward 48. Easy to remember.
He was supposed to stay for a week only. Doc wanted to free up the bed for other patients. A mistake by the student nurses caused his water to be drawn more than it should be. Ended up he stayed for 4 weeks. Guessed that was his happiest last days. He get food and get to rest, and no need to face mum. Made many patient friends there, who eventually left one by one in the hospice. He made a little hand massager the most popular and familar item there when he recommended his ward mates to buy. Like a salesman, he promoted how fun it was and every patient in the 5-men ward placed orders with sis to buy one. The student nurse from China asked us naively, why everybody in this ward has one? Hospital-issued item?
The music u are hearing now in this blog, is what always played in my mp3 when I walked the long path to visit dad in the hospital.
4 weeks later, dad was finally moved to Dover Park Hospice. It was the place where most, if not all, passes from or spent their last days. Dad’s wardmate has left for DPH a week ago, and we tried to look for him when we arrived there on the 1st day. He couldn’t wait, and left the day before. Dad was mostly quiet in his 10-day stay there. He din say much. We took turns to spend time with him throughout the days. DPH staff withdrew water from dad’s tummy everyday like a tap. His big tummy flattens in a couple of days.
On the 9th day, around midnight. DPH nurse suddenly called me. I was at work. Dad wanted to see me. I couldn’t, and asked sis to go over instead. Talk to dad thru 3G video conference. I cried as I spoke to him but had to act like I’m okay. Dad struggle to speak and still utter a few words to me. I assured him I will go over and see him once I finished my shift.
Next day. I knocked off and prepared to go over DPH. Sis called and said dad wanted to go home. Strange as he had insisted not going home since the day he was sent to SGH in an ambulance. Arranged for dad to come home and I went straight home to wait. Dad finally came back. In a bed. He looked at me. Couldn’t speak but able to recognize me. I spoke to him and he was able to nod his head. Making sure he is being well taken of, I took a nap. Woke up a few hours later and tried to speak to dad. He couldn’t recognize me anymore. He can move his hands, but somehow he couldn’t react to my questions. The nurse we engaged to look after him says his condition is getting worse. I keep trying to speak to him but he just cant respond. His eyes were looking everywhere as if there were flies flying around.
I kept him company till late that night. Did some work on my computer as I watched him in the bed. Nurse was beside him watching him. At 4am, couldn’t take it anymore and went to sleep in the sofa.
Woke up at 8 plus still blur. Suddenly the nurse dashed out to his car and grabbed a listening device. Must be morning checks on dad, I thought. Went to kitchen and talk to my sis who had waken up already. After a while, nurse broke us the news. Dad has left us.
Regrets. Regretted that I didn’t managed to see dad breathed his last. Regrets that I didn’t do much for him as a son. Regrets that I couldn’t get married before he left us. Useless. I failed as a son. I did nothing for him.
His ward in SGH was 48. He left on the 8th of April. Coincident? The day he left was ancient Qing Ming. The temple where his urn is, opens on that day every year. Signs that he wanted this unfillial son to visit him on his anniversary every year?
Now you know why this blog hasn’t been updated for so long.
Now, I just can’t continue with the details after he left. The wake, the funeral, the rituals etc. long long dull stories. Same with whoever had went thru what I did. Just that the feeling is different. Whoever came to my dad’s wake, a big thank you. I never intended to inform anybody. Informed a few close ones, and it was heart warming when many of them turned up to show concerns. If you didn’t, its ok.
Today is the 49th day of dad’s passing. Finally, he is back at this house. Fetched his photo from the temple this morning.
I missed my dad a lot. Remorse and regrets that I hadn’t did enough. The fortune teller said I would live till 75 yr old. That’s 40 yrs away before I could see dad again.
My very existence on earth is due to dad. Dad brought me up, gave me the upbringing, the education and everything amid all the difficulities on raising a big family. If only I could exchange my life for dad’s. I’m a failure anyway. Dad would make more differences to this world than I could. Dad, at any point of time, if you wish to come back, I would be glad to exchange my life for yours. Afterall, without you, there won’t be me.